I cry every time one of us leaves after the weekend, throughout which we've been blissfully ignorant that is has to end. I usually make it to the hour before I have to leave or he does before I start crying.. and as hard as I try not to, and as often as I swallow the knot getting bigger in my throat, and blink back the tears, they inevitably end up rolling down my cheeks until I break down and cry on his shoulder.
I cry every time I hang up the phone with him at night, because although I wouldn't trade spending actual time with him for the time before we actually met, I miss how we used to spend hours on the phone with no regard for what time we had to wake up, hours talking about anything and everything until one of us couldn't hold up the phone any longer. I never talk to him enough outside of my weekends, and it hurts so badly to talk to him briefly from my comfortable bed, knowing that as soon as I hang up the phone I'm going to feel immediately and desperately alone.
I cry when we disagree... I'm already terrified I'll lose him.. and every disagreement we have (as rational and well-talked-through it may be), I'm even more terrified that whatever it's about is going to be enough for him to leave, to tell me I'm just a child and I'm not enough, or I'm not worth it. Which is not to say that we don't agree more than we disagree, or that I really think he's going to leave. But that's why I cry.
I smile when one of us walks through the door on a Friday evening and I make a flying leap into his arms and he squeezes me tightly and kisses me hello. Sometimes we have something to do right away, sometimes we laugh our way into the bedroom, and sometimes we just stand there and enjoy each other's proximity.
I smile when I pick up the phone at night, and hear his voice. I told him from the very beginning that he had a wonderfully awesome and attractive voice, and that hasn't changed. His voice still surprises me every time I hear it... there's just a quality about it that I've always loved, from the moment I first heard it, to the present.. and I can assure you, into the future. Even if I know I won't be talking to him long, it's still such a magical temporary band-aid on my aching heart; an instant cure for the pain of missing him.
I smile when I'm with him.. almost constantly. I love it when I hang up and fold his laundry while he cooks, and when I can do things for him like empty and fill the dishwasher, or take out the trash.. he does so many wonderful things for me that I gladly jump at any chance I have to make his life a little easier. I love when we curl up and watch football, or when we're walking hand in hand down the street.. when he feeds me bites of things, when he looks at me, when he smiles. I smile just thinking about him.
The smiles come so much more frequently than the tears... and are worth so much more.
12:05 am. -- right now I'm smiling.